Life Updates, Coping With Disability, & New Love. Life Updates, Coping With Disability, & New Love.Hello! I have come back from my break (... more like long hiatus, to be honest). I am going to try to be active here again… and not just writing diary entries. XD Today, I would really like to share some important personal life news; both the good and the bad. I guess I can start off with the bad news because these instances have been the most impactful-also because it is good to save the good news for last!! Gotta end on a positive note.
Anyways, a huge part of the reason I have been absent for so long is because I have been going through a lot in my personal life. As I have mentioned several times, I have been battling severe mental illness and disability for a long time, now-actually for my entire life, if I’m being completely honest. I have been coping with the news of new diagnoses and discovering that an older and significant diagnosis was actually a misdiagnosis. Things have gotten better than they used to be now that I am properly medicated, thankfully. Things have still been really rough, though. Because of these circumstances, I’ve just been too emotionally distraught, busy, and depressed to really upkeep this website. Aside from it all, though, I have just… not really wanted to be perceived for awhile and just kind of disappear. I wanted to be out of the public eye. I just needed to be away and have some time for myself.
Aside from mental health stuff, I also have some semi-related bad news. As you might remember, I have worked as a writing tutor for about three years. Through all of those years, there have never been any policies that infringed on our personal lives… until now. My job implemented a new policy that requires you to be a full time student. The problem is that, with my disability, I could only manage about one or two classes at a time. I tried my best to upkeep for as long as I could. The sad reality, though, was that I simply couldn’t. I work and process information much slower than others; causing me to go through assignments at snail speed and just generally not really understanding things. Sadly, I lost my job about a month ago. It was a very emotional and heartbreaking moment for me.. I knew it was coming, but it still really affected me. I loved everybody there more than words can describe. The job gave me the opportunity to socialize and find community when it is otherwise very difficult for me.
I also wanted to share some other bittersweet news regarding my real life. My dad, therapist, psychiatrist, and a leader of my Autism group have all been fighting to help me gain benefits and enroll in related programs. We have been trying so hard for like six months now(?) and we have had no luck. I won’t go into complete detail since it gets pretty personal, but, basically, we have just been denied over and over and over again despite my condition and circumstances.
I am diagnosed with Moderate (Level 2) Autism. I have been diagnosed since I was assessed at fifteen. I used to have reliable accommodations such as my high school’s IEP and free therapist. The second I left high school, though, I lost all of that. Through IEP, I got straight As. Now, however, I don’t have any of that anymore. I have had to drop most if not all of my classes every semester because everything became so difficult for me to manage on my own. It has been such a struggle for me; especially considering that these struggles caused me to even lose my job of three years.
In my Autism group, I have met so many other people who have all of these benefits and services that I so desperately need. I became so jealous and even thinking about it got me so angry and bitter. Thankfully, I have overcome a lot of that, but it still lingers. I feel a lot of complicated emotions about this. It’s a very sensitive subject for me.
I genuinely really need disability. My care team has concluded that I cannot work a job past a small “gimme” job like my previous job; something small and manageable. I can’t even work at Starbucks or something because of the chaos. I am a very mentally disorganized individual.
The good news is, though, that we are slowly but surely making progress. Ever since the leader of my Autism group got involved, we have made so much progress. She is a professional who has helped so many families and individuals gain benefits and services. She knows all the right people and all the right things to do and say. I feel grateful that we met her.
Time for some good news!! Woot woot. Even though I’m sad that I’ve had to drop out of school and lose my job, I am so happy that I have gotten so many new opportunities to socialize and express myself.
As I’ve mentioned, I joined a local Autism social group! They hold so many fun events every month and I have met so many awesome new people. Most recently, I attended a cool camping trip with them! We attended a camp site in the woods and we all had such a fun time! I had the sweetest and kindest roommate. I kind of liked her, but I guess the feelings weren’t mutual.. such is life. XD
For the first time in my entire life, I really truly felt like I belonged somewhere-like I was welcome somewhere. For my entire life, I’d always been the weird kid; the outcast. But now, around people like me, I felt like nobody judged me for once. It was truly one of the best feelings ever and I am so grateful.
As for some more good news, I got back into gyaru! If you remember, I quit it because of some drama I got into.. That, and I lost my online best friend (and lowkey more..) of many years to it. They hated on me because I “wasn’t confident enough” for the gal mindset or whatever. But you know what? As my mental health improved with medication and such, I decided I didn’t care anymore. With that being said, I truly developed the gal mindset! I stopped giving a shit. I don’t have anything to do with the Western community aside from a real life group. Western gals are so toxic, chronically online, and spread so much genuine misinformation. It's like they revolve their entire identities around policing and bullying others.
Whenever I see them spreading some toxic, false bullcrap, I just remember a video I saw. In this video, a Japanese gal teaches the viewers how to be gyaru. She says that you build confidence over time and that even just calling yourself a gal is brave. That’s what helped me grow so much. I remembered that confidence is something you build over time. And, with that, I became confident; not only because I’ve genuinely improved so much at the styles and makeup, but also because I stopped caring what people think of me. I’m not shy when people stare at me anymore and I’m not afraid to stand out. I don’t limit myself to “substyles” or Western misinformative bullcrap anymore. I do what I please. Gyaru has genuinely boosted my self esteem so much and it really means a lot to me. (I’ve also actually dropped jirai kei bc I hated how it looked on me sorry. Not writing a huge thing on it bc I don’t really care to. I'm selling everything just to use the money on more gyaru stuff.)
So, remember that gyaru group I mentioned? I actually started attending again! Yesterday, we had the cutest day out! Today’s group was pretty small, but we had so much fun! We went to a small rural town, had some delicious pie, and kind of looked around! We gals took over!!
Oh! And the most exciting news of all… I pulled the hottest goth chick! We are going on a date TOMORROW and I just couldn’t be more excited. Damn! I feel so good. This is the first time I’ve gotten romantic with anybody since my last abusive boyfriend. We have been super flirty and I’m just so, so excited to see her! I really hope that we have a good time regardless of where things go but DAMN I want her! I get so giddy and excited just thinking about her. Fyi, we are going to a sushi conveyor belt restaurant in a really nice area!! Oh my gosshhh I’m so excited!!!
So, yeah! Quite a lot has happened since I went on hiatus. Even though I've been struggling in some areas of my life, things are really looking up! I've been pretty happy lately; especially with the date tomorrow! ~
Read about my website and selfshipping news in the next diary entry! Looking to save you the trouble of clicking the month and stuff again. :)