My Love For Vanessa

Bright blonde hair tied high into a ponytail, loose jacket over a cobalt blue police uniform; I knew it was love at first sight. This goes without really saying, but Vanessa is drop-dead GORGEOUS to me! I love all of her features, her voice, and the way she holds herself with such confidence.

Superficial stuff aside, I am also madly in love with Vanessa’s personality!! I love the way that she carries herself with such confidence, thought it was sexy when she threatened to shoot Mike (NOT SORRY), and the depth of her character. I know that a lot of fans think that her only purpose in the movie was to explain everything to Mike, but that is so not true!! While she did explain some stuff to Mike, the movie showed us that she is a character with so much depth and potential! We saw a confident, even arrogant cop shrivel up and become so vulnerable and timid under her father’s thumb… Only to overcome that and gather the courage to shoot him!! Even from an outsider’s perspective, I understood the impact of that shift in character. Watching somebody who lived in fear and terror her whole life stand up for herself against her father served as such an impactful to me and (hopefully!) many other viewers as well. She risked her life to help Mike and Abby escape the pizzeria after her father attacked them.

Not only did she stick it to her abusive and controlling father, though.. She also cared deeply for Abby and revealed much more unexpected sides of her character! While maintaining her bold front, Vanessa eventually opened up and showed us a much softer, more childlike side to her personality. This is especially evident when she shows Mike the little animatronic show and gives Abby comfort and affection through difficult times. Just like I previously said, Vanessa is such a deep and complex character the more you think about it! And, with that in mind, I love to imagine how Vanessa would treat me in times of need. I love to think that she would give me the same comfort and affection that she showed Abby. I also love to think that we could both relate and find common ground through our childish sides because, even though we are otherwise pretty different, it would give us a way to feel even closer.

Aside from loving her looks and her personality, further these feelings has been a huge help in accepting myself as a fem-leaning bisexual. Through this love, I feel empowered; more confident in my ability to express my attraction to the same sex and more willing to accept myself for the way I was born. Before developing feelings for Vanessa, I’d struggled so much trying to fit into a heteronormative world and feeling… odd, unacceptable even. Intrusive thoughts and worries had always told me that I am objectifying women, that my attraction is vulgar and unnatural. Having come from a very Christian, conservative family, these are feelings that I have oh-so heavily struggled with. You get the gist.

But finding Vanessa has been such a big help in overcoming that. As I fall deeper in love everyday, I feel okay. I feel more comfortable expressing my attraction to women through fiction and also in the real world. Maybe it’s a bit hard to explain, but nothing really feels weird anymore. It feels natural–like the part of myself it always has been–rather than doing or saying things that society deems “gross” or “vulgar”. Through these heartfelt (and sometimes scary!) stories and scenarios I indulge myself in, I feel like I am overcoming all of my internalized homophobia. In this fictional world, I feel safer to explore how I’d potentially feel in a relationship with the woman of my dreams as well as all of the love, complexities, and emotions that would come with that reality.

For all of these reasons, I think that Vanessa would be the perfect girlfriend and wife for me. At the time of writing this, I have loved her for a whole year and a half!! Isn’t it crazy where love can take you over time?! I love her smile, every single aspect and side of her personality (even Vanny.. Hell yes), all of her features, and the way that my love for her has helped me grow as a person.