OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER

As I’ve previously mentioned, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a biological condition just like Autism and Bipolar Disorder. I have struggled with this condition my entire life.

Contrary to popular belief, many cases of the condition have nothing to do with cleaning (including mine; I’m a major slob and still have it! lol). The condition revolves around repetitive intrusive thoughts and behaviors.

In my case, personally, I tend to ruminate on superstitious fears; like whether some completely unrelated action of mine triggered a negative effect on somebody else. I don’t want to go into much specific detail since I genuinely feel nuts (they are very hard to explain outside of specific contexts I’d rather keep private anyways), but I hope that you at least somewhat get the picture. These are my obsessions.

My compulsions usually include obsessive Googling about the topics (to confirm fears or seek hope), avoidance of triggers, and driving my dad nuts with the same questions over, and over, and over again for days on end (in his own words, I drive him nuts). I know it seems contradictory to both avoid and expose myself to triggers, but please keep in mind that things are not black and white and these apply to highly specific scenarios.

Many of the aforementioned repetitive questions result in huge, explosive fights. Before finding proper help, I flew into near-psychotic, near-delusional breakdowns. These symptoms, combined with those of other conditions have landed me into hospitals twice; one of which literally described me as “delusional” in their notes.

A lot of these symptoms (dissociation mainly) resulted in my previous Borderline Personality Disorder misdiagnosis; especially because many of my obsessions revolve around interpersonal relationship paranoia and general paranoia surrounding others and their opinions of me. Bipolar Disorder II definitely contributed to the mood aspects lol. According to my psychiatrist and therapist, I likely do not have Borderline Personality Disorder; my symptoms just present very similarly to it.

Thankfully, things have really began to turn around once I started taking Lithium (mood stabilizing Bipolar medication). Despite that, my family and I have still seeked a lot of help. A private specialist I saw (one of those ~$500 doctors who doesn’t take insurance; recommended by my therapist) told me that the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is highly intertwined with Autism. Obviously, the two conditions can exist separately, but often come together.

My dad tells me that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is often what drives people away from me-coupled with social awkwardness. I tend to dwell on things; I can never move on like other people can. I hate this about myself, but I also really just wish that people can accept me for who I am.

That aside, it is going to take a lot of work to overcome these habits-or at least manage them to the best of my ability. My therapist is currently referring me to an intensive DBT therapist who I will be seeing alongside her. It is going to be very difficult to properly put a lid on the symptoms of an internal, incurable condition, but I guess all I can do is try my best for now.