BIPOLAR DISORDER II

Considering that Bipolar Disorder is a biological condition (like Autism and OCD), I have dealt with symptoms for my entire life. I had always struggled with some depression-especially due to the facts that I lost my mother as a young girl and was widely considered a socially awkward outcast. I first started to notice hypomanic symptoms in about… fifth grade, I’d say? It was like something just switched in me. I was never really like that before; it just kind of emerged on its own.

That being said, people always kind of knew me as a (sometimes) very hyper, fidgety, and outgoing girl. It was very extreme, though. I would always scream and shout inappropriate things in public, make obnoxious noises, shout things in class without raising my hand, etc. The condition also amplified my Autism traits-especially my stims. I feel like that fed a lot into the noises I made, considering they were (and still are) my stims.

Before my diagnosis, I only really considered my depressive episodes an issue. I thought I was just your typical edgy suicidal teen. I figured that my hypomania was just my personality-that I was just goofy and silly and unaware sometimes (this was before I became aware of the restlessness, irritability, and rage that often came with it; not fun stuff at all).

The symptoms really began to worsen and set in as I grew up, though. It really started when I was an older teen (like fifteen or sixteen-about the same age I was diagnosed with Autism). When I started seeing a therapist, it was a topic I really wanted to address with him.

Having researched Bipolar Disorder a bit, I found that I resonated a lot with the listed symptoms. I mentioned this to my then-therapist. I asked if I could please be tested for Bipolar Disorder because I suspected it so strongly in myself. He said that he would address it next session.

… Well, when our next session rolled around, he just straight up told me that I don’t meet the criteria. Refused to even fucking test me. I felt so angry and betrayed in that moment, and, looking back, I still do. I had already faced so much medical neglect with Autism and I hated so much to see it again. I just wanted to know why I was the way I was. I knew something was wrong even as a little kid when people always picked on me and excluded me and when I struggled so badly to just communicate and connect with other people.

Anyways, as I grew up, I just never really thought about it again. Guess I just didn’t meet the criteria. At the time, I just figured I’d meet the Borderline criteria with my mood instability and teenage angst. A therapist I had at the time even told me that she felt I’d meet the criteria if I didn’t change my mindset and personality.

Since the COVID lockdowns, things really began to fall apart for me. I had a horrible huge depressive episode at the time. I really wanted to commit suicide. Things really began to turn around for me in high school-I finally had some friends, had a boyfriend (gross and bad relationship, but he wasn’t the rapist; different guy), and started to adjust. My IEP improved my life so much and I had all straight As at the time. But all of that progress was just gone. I started to regress so much. I became worse than I even started.

A few years after COVID, I spiraled into another huge depression. I don’t want to share the specifics since it’s highly personal and kind of weird, but I fell into a deep obsession (heavily fueled by my OCD).

I cried everyday over the aforementioned obsession. I couldn’t let go. I screamed and cried every single day for months on end. I am not even joking when my dad threatened to send me to some sort of mental asylum because he thought I was complete nuts (he still does).

Eventually, I began to see a therapist through the care consortium I am enrolled in. After my immediate OCD diagnosis, the therapist pretty much told me that my symptoms are too severe and that she is sending me to a specialist.

I went through like two shitty specialists before I met my current therapist (who I love to death God bless). We mostly discussed OCD before she sent me to an IOP where I was also originally hospitalized.

Through the IOP, I undertook a huge mental health assessment. I was originally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Much like the therapist I’d seen as a teenager, he ruled out Bipolar Disorder. At this point, I’d never considered it again…

Until, about late November or so, the same specialist I’d been seeing told me that she saw Bipolar in me. I guess it made sense that she spotted it considering she also specializes in Bipolar Disorder. She suspected that I either had Cyclothymia or Bipolar II Disorder. I filled out some sheets and submitted them to both her and my psychiatrist.

It turned out that my psychiatrist also strongly suspected Bipolar Disorder II. She’d especially suspected it after I shared about my traumatic trip to Japan (another incident where I’d cried everyday and had huge mental breakdowns). They diagnosed me almost immediately.

They had practically ruled out Borderline Personality Disorder and removed the diagnosis. According to both of them, it is a possibility, but they never brought it up again. Besides, ever since I have been taking proper Bipolar medication, many of the symptoms practically vanished.

As you could imagine, though, my Bipolar symptoms have been nothing short of terrible. Aside from crying everyday at times, I would have huge tantrums and screaming fits, shout profanities in public, and engage in impulsive behaviors like having huge shopping sprees, binge eating, and purchasing expensive meals on a whim. I can hardly pay attention a lot of the time and my mind jumps around many topics in the span of minutes (which I blamed on then-suspected ADHD). Severe suicidal ideation and dissociation has landed me in the hospital twice as of writing this. I also fell into substance abuse for over six months. Thankfully, bad interactions with my new medication caused me to stop this behavior. I no longer use any substances. I am in a much calmer state of mind.

The doctors have prescribed me a literal cocktail of medications. I currently take Lamictal to manage depressive episodes, Gabapentin to manage anxiety (mostly OCD), Seroquel to manage insomnia, and Lithium to help manage hypomanic symptoms. Lithium seems to be the most important and impactful of the bunch. Since I began taking Lithium, my care team and I noticed huge improvements in my mood stability. I don’t scream and rage at people anymore, according to my therapist. I have become a lot calmer.

Things have been working out lately. I still seem to feel the occasional hypomanic symptoms, but it isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be, I don’t think. Sometimes I do envy the people around me who can just casually drink without suffering severe, horrible consequences, but such is life, I guess.

The down side, though, is that I have basically become my psychiatrist’s personal lab rat. I have had to get my blood drawn every month-sometimes even once a week-just to check my Lithium levels. Of course, it’s all worth it.. I guess, but it is a personal pet peeve. I have learned to just look the other way and pretend the needle isn’t there. I did see my blood in a tube a few times, though. I wanted to barf. I genuinely felt nauseous.

I guess it is the price I have to pay if I want to better myself, though. I really have no choice. It’s what I have to do to avoid getting some sort of internal liver problems.

Thankfully, though, my psychiatrist told me that, once she discovers the right Lithium level for me, I won’t need blood drawings nearly as often. She told me that some patients only need it once a year.

Despite this issue, though, I am happy to see everything come around. Healing is not a linear process. I am making a lot of progress and I want to do better everyday.