January 10, 2026

New Years, New Tears

This is probably the most self-pitying, most bitter, saddest vent to date. It’s a pretty miserable read, but I needed to get it off of my chest somewhere. As I said in my warning page, I reserve the right to speak my mind uncensored. I do not condone on acting out on any of these feelings, but I just want to get it out of my system. This is your warning.

I woke up crying this morning. I immediately thought of my life, both my future and my past. All I could think about was the fact that, in the future-when my dad passes away-I won’t have anybody. I don’t have anybody aside from my sister and my parrot.

Why? It’s so unfair.

I tend to feel very bitter… It’s one of my fatal flaws. I’m not a perfect person; that’s why I go to therapy and all of that other stuff.

I’m sad. I do have New Years resolutions, but the beginning of another year-especially in today’s day and age-just brings me a lot of fear and sadness.

First and foremost, my dad is turning sixty-six this year. Sixty-six. He’s nearing seventy.. Thankfully, he works out a lot and is in amazing shape; still very functional aside from minor forgetfulness here and there. But I’m scared; I’m fucking terrified.

Soon, I won’t have a single parent. I already don’t have any grandparents left either.

I already lost my mom. I’m so full of jealousy and resentment whenever I think of this. I hate seeing so many people around me with loving and supportive families. That’s not to say that my dad isn’t supportive-he is now-but he was very ignorant in many aspects while I have grown up. I can talk about that another day, maybe. It’s just really hard to let go of that side of me that resents his past… but it was in his nature; a boomer raised to hide his emotions and empathy. Hardly affectionate after about time I hit the age of twelve. He had grown up in a violently abusive household, too. He is a survivor in his own right.

But, when he passes away, what will I have? I want to be honest that part of me has always secretly planned suicide right after his death. He won’t be there to stop me anymore. There won’t be any hospital to stop me anymore. My parrot would stop me from ever going through with this, though. She will long outlive him and she will always need her mommy. I could never do that to her. I’d never forgive myself. She would be my last piece of my Dad in my life.

Aside from her, though, I just don’t know if I’ll have anything else to live for.

I’m rejected left and right by disability support services that literally seemingly every other autistic person under the fucking Sun has. As I have previously said, I have been rediagnosed over and over and over again with Moderate Autism; even told that it “should have been very obvious [I] had autism” growing up and that I “definitely have autism” after some huge mental health assessment I requested. I can’t hold a job-not even a fucking Starbucks or something. I live in horrible conditions, often have bad hygiene when I’m not all dressed up in my gyaru stuff, and struggle to take care of myself every single day. I have been described as “functioning at the level of an eight-year-old”.

But, for some reason, even after presenting the piles and piles of diagnoses from over ten different doctors and facilities, I just can’t get anything-fucking nothing but the bare minimum. My therapist and dad have told me time and time again that it’s nothing personal-that it takes this long for so many people-but I can’t let it go. Even when I attend the local Autism group I’m in, I constantly hear the words “program” “[name of benefits center that I’ve been trying for so long to enroll in]”, “benefits”, “I get [thing] for free because [benefits center] pays for it!!”, etc. It drives me up a wall. Like, it genuinely pisses me off and triggers me. I just can’t let go. I some girl with Down Syndrome (and also autism given she was in our group) joyfully shout to a guy “Hey! I know you from my program!”. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream. It all feels like some kind of inside joke that I could never understand-that I could never be in on it , too.

I just don’t understand why all of these other people deserve all of these handouts, benefits, ass pats, job assistance, school assistance, people who check in on them all the damn time, special little programs, caregivers, and more-things I genuinely desperately need, too, but could never seem to deserve. I just feel like I have been overlooked my entire life; from the fact that I never even got diagnosed until I was fifteen (an assessment that I HAD to request!!), ignored, always called a lazy, disruptive student-anything but disabled. My dad and sister even accused me of faking for about two years straight. I just grew up so heartbroken, and that’s led me to become angry, bitter, and resentful.

I can’t hear people talk about autism without feeling sadness and resentment. I guess it’s just internalized ableism. I know that it’s wrong to feel this way, but I can’t help myself. I would never directly take this out on somebody, but it eats me alive. It’s gotten so bad that I just feel so much resentment for other autistic people. I feel so much anger and it eats me alive like I said. I dwell on it so much and I have explored this topic with my therapist many times.

While I’m on this ridiculously long rant, I wanted to bring up something else related, too.

Ever since that goth chick stood me up, I have been in a low place. I thought I managed to move on from it, but the pain has come back in full force.

It all started when a personal social media mutual started posting about how happy she was to be getting a new girlfriend. I mean, I’m happy for her and I know better than to ever say anything to her, but it stings so much. What makes it even worse is the fact that this happened literally days after I got stood up. I tolerated it, liked her posts, and acted supportive, but, after a point, I just couldn’t take it and I muted her. I feel terrible for doing so since she’s one of my irl gyaru friends, but my dad told me that I should do anything to protect my peace. He was right.

The sadness has kind of faded and I’d just continued swiping through the gay dating app… until today. I was just sitting here, minding my business, already sad, and a lesbian couple started making out right next to me. Again, I’m outwardly happy for them and supportive. I minded my own business, but couldn’t help but see it through a reflection. I think one of them noticed. It just stung so badly; especially with how sad I’m already feeling with my dad’s age.

So often, I feel like I could never find anybody. I don’t care about straight couples-I want nothing to do with that, but seeing lesbians just hurts me so badly. I feel like I could never find anybody. I feel like I have too many problems. Men (like my older rapist ex boyfriend who I felt nothing for) are eager to take advantage of me because I am naive and they see me as childlike. But it’s women I love and want and I feel like I could never truly be deserving of a compassionate partner who truly loves me and wants me. I feel like I’m only here to get fucked around with, played, and thrown in the fucking trash.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m at a point where I just really have no future. I look into the future and I see nothing. I distract myself with bullshit like gyaru, selfshipping, hobbies, etc. but I know deep down that there is nothing left in life for me. There is no hope, no direction. I quite literally imagine myself burning in hell every time I think of my life.

I hate myself every single day. The weight of my past crushes me everyday and I know that I could never really truly be loved or achieve anything significant in my life. I guess I already came to this realization since the pandemic. My life is falling apart and so is the world around me. I always wish I could just be reborn as something else, in a different timeline, surrounded by people who love me.