Stood Up <3 Stood Up <3 (Heads up!! Very sappy and venty entry! Good stuff is below the divider, though!! :))
I’m sure anybody reading this is curious about the date I spoke about yesterday. It was big news-especially to me-and I was so excited.
Let’s just cut to the chase, though. I’m sure you could already guess this was the case from the title alone, but it didn’t happen. Yep. She stood me up.
The past few days of being (platonically) hot and heavy were all just for nothing. I guess I was stupid, gullible, naive, whatever you want to say-but I was excited. I felt like, after having gone through what I did in my previous relationship, I finally had a chance. I felt like it was finally my turn to be in love. It was finally my turn to feel cherished, loved, and truly cared for.
And what was more? It would’ve been my very first time being with another woman. I have sought out a female partner so many times over the past few years and I’ve just always, always wanted a girlfriend. Men have been sexually and romantically invisible to me my entire life and I have honestly, genuinely never wanted anything to do with one.
Sure, there are other women out there, I guess, but what made her so special? We both loved alternative fashion (I’m gyaru, she’s goth), we both loved Asian food, we loved horror, we both wanted a serious relationship, so on and so forth. As I said, we were so hot and heavy in the beginning; nonstop flirting and just so much chemistry.
But when the time came for her to actually step up? Nothing.
Let me add that I woke up at 4:00 AM just to do my makeup and get all dolled up before catching my ride (as she lives farther away), rode all the way over there just because I wanted to be kind and save her gas, money, traffic, etc. and waited an extra hour and thirty minutes for her. I canceled my ride home and told her my dad was coming to get me because, somewhere deep down, I wanted to believe that she truly cared. I wanted to tell myself that it was just an emergency or maybe she was just in some awful traffic or something-anything but the truth.
If it weren’t for my mood stabilizers, I probably would have bawled my eyes out nonstop about ten different times by now. The sadness is definitely there, though. I know that it’s her and not me, but I can’t stop blaming myself. Part of me just wonders if I’m an ugly duckling. With the way people treat me in real life (... particularly men, and I hate that it always happens), I know this isn’t the case, but I just can’t help myself.
Things have been looking up for me lately; with all of gyaru stuff, another big Jfashion event actually happening on Saturday, and more. And now a relationship, too? I guess it was just too good to be true. I keep telling myself that she was just out of my league.
I just hate that I’m always someone to be played with, fucked around with, and disregarded-never loved.
Anyways, with all of the bad stuff out of the way, I wanted to share that I finally created again!
As I’ve said before, I’ve always felt like such crap that I hadn’t created anything in such a long time. By that I mostly mean adding new sections and drawing my own images. This shame is partially why I’ve been working on writing my big Jason self insert fanfic (also just cause I’m crazyyy about him!).
That is not the case anymore!
To cope with how horribly yesterday went, I drew simple art of Sidney and I (my self insert)!! I know it isn’t the greatest thing in the world, but I’m actually super in love with how it turned out! With improvement, I think I could actually make a pretty good artist! <3
The thought behind this was mostly telling myself that Sidney would never ever do something like this to me. I know that she would be honest and upfront about any concerns. She would never ever be the type of partner to leave in the dust wondering. Sidney is far too empathetic.
Drawing this piece not only made me much more faithful in my artistic abilities, but also genuinely warmed my heart!! <3
Goodnight.